What a fucking bipolar couple of months this has been. I really do not understand sometimes. And I really do not know how personal I want to get here but I feel as if I am going to explode. I have had some pretty amazing things happen to me in the last few months. Things that I never expected would happen. And I have had some pretty shitty things happen as well. I do not know of any curse would that could adequately describe how utterly fucking craptastic and difficult the past two months have been, despite the really high highs. And I still do not understand where it went all wrong despite the number of talks on the subject. I am so very sad right now. I think the only thing that is getting me through this is the fact I get to leave the country in September for five days and forget about the life that I thought I was building here crumbling down around my head when I wasn't paying attention.
I am distracted at work. I am withdrawn from my friends save a couple of them. And the really shitty thing about the couple of friends that I still feel safe enough to talk to right now (my trust factor in people is very very low at the moment) do not live close by. So the warmest affection I have received is on the phone or online as I cry my eyes out and watch the love of my life leave. I really do appreciate the love and support I am receiving from the couple of people I have opened up to about this. But right now I could really use a human touch. Someone I can curl up with and feel some real connection and then maybe cry a little and fall asleep. At the end of the month, it will become really real. The relationship ended in May, however technically he still lives here and this week he is moving all of his stuff out. The past month though he has been out of town looking for work and a new place to live while I have been left here alone to deal with the pieces that were once our life and my heart. I don't want to even get into how this is affecting the kids. Sometimes I really wish that I could be the one to just pick up when it is convenient, fuck off and leave someone else the mess the clean up.
I need a break. I need a hug. I need something. I am at a loss for any real words. I am cold. I am empty. I am confused. I am hurt. I am angry. I am... I don't even know. I don't even know what to say. I am at a loss. Wait, I already said that. I think now would be a good time for this:
REPRESSION:
The start of a few lines without a finish
Feelings without words to express them
A burning thirst to express myself yet
A voice being strangled by unknown forces
Repressing the very essence of my soul.
Struggling to express the chaos within
Wanting to explode and say things
Better left unsaid
Yet needing an outlet for these demons
Haunting me
Fighting a battle with no clear winner
Where everyone ends up losing
Outside forces believing they have obtained a prize
Accomplishing the unattainable
Wishing for a realization for that to be true
One must be able to move on and let go
To not wish for that to which they cannot have
Losing yourself as you settle
Knowing one will always want what they are not
Getting and had with someone else
Finding the strength to obtain the wisdom
To not be seduced into forces
Which thrive on control and power
To need to be needed the want to be wanting
Finding the lines and the words to say
No I will not be your repression
I will not settle for chaos
I will not be strangled and smothered by
The forces wanting to pull my soul into an abyss
My words in time with find their voice and be heard
julia sherred
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment